I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Overindulged this afternoon.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Friends that check up on you >