Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.