*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.