Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.