going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Not recommended for beginners.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
so, is there a mister shapen head
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot