One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
You Might Also Like
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
@funTweeters I am at your service….
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Thank you corporation very cool
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.