ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?