Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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TODAY
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years