Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Just say no
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?