I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
not to brag, but mine was free
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!