My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
#Caturday
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew