Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth