FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
A roof is a house hat.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
seems like a niche market
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Best spot.. 😅
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.