My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
me when i see my girls butt
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Strange
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”