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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Friends that check up on you >
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
dads on road-trips be like
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus