[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
moms in horror movies
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
bugs when you lift up a rock
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious