“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.