My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Life is a suicide mission.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.