They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit