[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
WHY?!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Real House Wines.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Strange