*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Mornin
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.