*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My last name is Zilla.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.