What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
set yourself free xox
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose