*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
thanks auntie mary
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When someone trying to leave me
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead