I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.