[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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do horses think humans are hats
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund