In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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who did the taste test?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
58.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
this post was so formative to me
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.