Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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This is so me 😂😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
PER MY LAST EMAIL
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car