PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.