“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise