I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.