I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out