Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no