I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
You Might Also Like
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.