“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: