(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.