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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?