I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.