This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them