Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.