me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Sorry not sorry.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.