*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You Might Also Like
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street