Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Möther may I have a snäck
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
respect
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Yoga Matt
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?