I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.