Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me when the borders lift
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.