turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
it is time once again
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview