[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..