Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
english majors be like furthermore
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay