three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I love the honesty
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.