What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.